I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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