I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
