Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
