i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
