If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
