I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
