just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
