Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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