I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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