just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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