the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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