Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
