you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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