There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize