I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sober January is a disaster.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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