Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
