I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
In America we eat man semen.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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