he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
