Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
