Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
