Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize