someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
