So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
