She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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