i always forget guys have bellybuttons
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
