mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
