I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Vodka?
Forever.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
