Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Ladies don't puke and tell
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
