Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
