Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
