I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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