I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
