don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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