So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
