did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
