She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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