Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
