I am spending my child support on dildos
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
