So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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