just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
