tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Dicks are not precious.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
