My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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