Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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