I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
