What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
