I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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