Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
