He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
