I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
