bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
