I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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