I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
