Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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