Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
