im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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