Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
