Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
