Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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